I took a hiatus from broadcasting my personal and professional thoughts because the last 8 months have been a bit of a blur personally. My husband and I are expecting our first child, a baby boy, in early December. HOLY CRAP. It feels weirdly real when I actually say it out loud.
Back in March, my husband and I galavanted off the grid for a long weekend in Old Montreal to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary, and also hit as many champagneries as possible. We had talked about having children before, but this time, I took a look at his new deployment schedule for the upcoming year, and saw that I would only actually be seeing my husband for less than 3 months out of the 2017 year. I remember telling him, "I don't think I can do this without you. We have to wait." So we cheersed with our 24 carot gold flaked champagne that a good friend gave us as a wedding gift, and said, we can wait. Two weeks later I took a pregnancy test just to make sure there was no chance I was pregnant. My husband was about to deploy and I did not want to find out I was pregnant while he was gone. I got up in the morning and peed on the stick. I left it in the bathroom in a fit giggles (because it was weird) and jumped back into bed and told my husband, "you go look." I was sure as shit that nothing would happen. When he came back into the room, his face was not what I was expecting. He was literally beaming ear to ear and I could tell he was not messing with me. I screamed, "MATT WHAT!?" in literal sheer terror. And he said, "we are pregnant." My heart sank and I immediately started balling my eyes out. I was in complete shock and terrified because my husband was about to deploy in a matter of days and I all of a sudden felt like I was on an island and completely alone. A flood of thoughts went through my head - how was I going to do this without my husband? This is just like the movies. What about my career? I can't have wine? What am I supposed to do now? How am I going to be a Mom? What's going to happen to my body? I have to go through this without my other half? We are going to be parents? Why is he crying tears of joy and I am devastated? Am I a horrible person? Women are always told, pregnancy is a beautiful thing, it is the happiest time of your life. Well, honestly, it wasn't for me in the beginning but I eventually got there. When the doctor confirmed our pregnancy, I was scared and felt alone. I was sick 24 hours a day for 5 months straight and lost weight. I ended up in the ER with hives head to toe and had concerns of placenta previa. All while my only communication with my husband was spotty emails and shitty phonecalls from Oceans away. Once I got past the sickness, my clothes started to not fit. I hate the word "maternity" and didn't want to buy maternity clothes. I cried when my favorite pair of skinny jeans made me feel like an encased sausage and left my legs swollen after I took them off after work. I couldn't work out or run because of previa concerns so I felt like I had no outlet. I had also started a new job very early on in my pregnancy and wasn't ready to tell them I was pregnant so I had to hide it. My husband missed hearing the heartbeat and the first ultrasounds early on, my Mom and Dad came with me to my appointments but it wasn't the same. Everyone kept telling me, "you make it look so easy" ... but it was not one bit easy. Just like everything else, these feelings did pass and I pulled myself out of my rut, embraced my baby bump and focused on my new job., I'm sharing my personal thoughts in an effort to be transparent because no one talks about the negative side of being pregnant, and I felt negative for months - that's a long time for someone who is usually optimistic. Transparency can be weird, offensive and/or helpful depending on who you are. Pregnancy related things aside, Transparency is totally in style right now and I think it's weirdly awesome and it totally makes me happy. And that's what we're all here for, am I right?